Office Procedures in the Age of Autocracy
Whacking, Slashing, Vaporizing
Dear Elon and Vivek,
Congrats on heading up the new Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). We’re sure it’s going to go gangbusters. You’ll be brilliant at whacking jobs, slashing costs, and vaporizing superfluous departments like Education.
So thrilling and long overdue.
We want to help.
Why? We know a thing or two about running a successful autocracy. Christ, we did it for 13 years at Sportscape Inc in the 80’s and early 90’s.
We all know, once you’re done whacking, slashing and vaporizing, the real hard work begins; every day crushing the souls of the poor bastards who made the cut.
Want to know a fool proof way?
Implement and strictly enforce draconian and absurd office procedures.
Works like a charm.
Our gift to you is a copy of ours. Sure it needs updating. You’ve got folks who can do that. Right?
So here you go.
In return, we have one ask: pull the plug on RFK Jr. We like his policies swell. Something about the way he looks. It’s just wrong and yucky.
Again, congrats.
SPORTSCAPE OFFICE PROCEDURES JANUARY, 1983
INTRODUCTION
Sportscape has not had strict rules and regulations regarding office procedures, i.e., for things such as telephone usage, consumption of office supplies, use of postage, filing expense forms, signing in and out, and the like.
The time has come, however, for us to institute some new monitoring systems to insure that expenditures are justified, that everyone's time is spent well, and, moreover, to get a better handle on just what each component of the magazine costs. The new systems detailed below, if followed routinely, should not be a burden for anyone; indeed, things should be easier to get done, not harder. Our bottom line, of course, is ad pages in the magazine, and everything falls from that fact.
We will need full cooperation from everyone if the new systems are to work. We hope that your attitude toward the new procedures reflects one of a concern for the overall well-being of Sportscape and for its (and, consequently, your) future.
TELEPHONE
One of our largest expenses, and one of the most controllable, is our phone bill, and it is a key concern. Within a couple of weeks, we will add another special line for making some in-state toll calls (those that require dialing a "1" before the number, as well as some that don't, such as Concord, Natick, and Saugus).
Beginning immediately, all employees are asked to use the US WATS line for ALL out-of-state business calls, and, when the new in-state line is put in (an instruction sheet will be issued later), everyone should use it if at all possible. Out-of-state calls are detailed for us on our phone bill, so non-business calls will be easy to identify.
Long-distance personal calls should be charged to your home phone number. Personal credit cards can be obtained from the telephone company. When making a personal call from a touch-dial phone, all you have to do is dial "0," the area code, and the number; a chime then rings, at which time you punch in your credit-card number. It costs about 30% less than if you go through an operator, and it costs Sportscape nothing.
Sportscape telephone credit cards, to be used by salespeople on the road, when necessary, should be used in the same manner. If you are making calls from a touch-dial phone, even pay phones, please use your Sportscape credit card. (Ideally, you would use coins—it always costs less when there's no operator involved—but this is sometimes impractical.) Particularly maddening and intolerable are collect phone calls to Sportscape from places such as Cambridge and close-by suburbs.
TAXI (BAY STATE DELIVERY SERVICE)
Our Bay State bill is about 50% too high. Try to avoid situations whereby you are forced to "Bay State" proofs, ad сору, issues, and the like. Closer monitoring of Bay State expenditures has been instituted already.
POSTAGE
It is useful for us to know exactly what is being spent on postage for each function of the magazine, i.e., editorial, sales, calendar, etc. A comparison of the tally sheets (the green-and-white sheets that are taped to the wall near the postage meter) and the actual expenditures for postage show a difference of more then 300%. Everyone is strongly urged to note every bit of postage on the sheets. Needless to say, personal items should not be stamped with Sportscape postage.
The self-addressed, stamped Sportscape envelope—the business reply envelopes—should not be used any longer.
SUPPLIES AND STATIONERY
Very soon, we will have Sportscape purchase-order forms, without which nothing will be purchased. No purchases are to be made at Beacon Stationery or at PIP without first checking with either Todd or Marc.
The other major concern in this category is the use of expensive stationery for drafts of letters; drafts should be done on less expensive paper; final letters should be typed on Sportscape letterhead.
We go through a lot of supplies. We are going to monitor more closely the consumption of such things. It would be a shame if it becomes necessary to lock the supply room. We are hoping to avoid police-state moves such as this.
SIGN-IN/SIGN-OUT SHEET
Starting Monday, a sign-in/sign-out sheet will be on the message desk in the front office. Everyone should sign in at the beginning of the day, at the end of the day, and at times during the day when you're leaving the building. We now have 10 people to keep track of, and it is important for us to know where everyone is and what they are doing.
SUMMARY
By instituting these cost-cutting measures, we hope to make things run smoother around the office. If you see any ways in which we can cut costs or increase efficiency, please mention them.
Do You Know This Man?: An Irreverent Memoir, is an ongoing exploration of the one character who eludes, confounds and mystifies. Me. Right now, it’s available for free, including being able to listen to some of my plays and dive into the best of Sportscape Magazine.
Current premium content available for free:
Listen to the original cast recordings of Persistence of Vision and Tops or Bottoms.
Watch a complete performance of Botanic Garden.
That’s the scoop!